A Look Back at the Last Year

In the quiet of our house at night after Everest Chang Chunhui goes to sleep and I go in and turn off his lights, I look at him sleeping soundly and I sometimes still cannot believe he is our son. Through the entire adoption process you start to love a little child that you don't even know. You imagine his personality in his pictures, you read into what his facial expressions could possibly mean. You hope that tiny snapshots in time will give you insight into the life that your child is living without you. You worry about them, wonder if they are ok and you count down the seconds until you can finally meet them.

and then reality hits....

and the little person you have is a lot angrier than he is in the photos. He is scared and he is frustrated. However, wherever we went people could see the light in Everest's eyes. They could see his spirit whereas Ryan and I could not. We would sit in the hallway outside our hotel room while Everest was sleeping and think to ourselves, "What have we done? What have we done to our family? What have we done to our future?" And then the guilt sets in because a little 4 year old is sleeping steps away and he didn't ask to be taken from the only life he's ever known.

and then you board the flight to home...

I cannot put this adequately into words. It was unimaginable. It was horrible. For me, for Ryan, for Everest, for other passengers. It was one of the worst days of my life. What I remember the most about what I felt was that I would run my hands across my face and through my hair continuously as if trying to rub out the entire experience from my being. I will leave it at that. As hard as it is to put into words perhaps that means I shouldn't.

and then you land...

and family is there. And you cry out of shear exhaustion and fear of what your life has potentially become. You cry because a familiar face in a familiar land makes all the difference.

and then you drive home...

and a little boy is sleeping soundly next to you for the first time in days. He is home, we are home and our life begins.

and in some ways it is still beginning. Life is a never ending learning curve. I look back and think of how far we've come as a family in such a short time. Ryan and I now see that spirit in Everest that everybody talked about in China. We learned to love. We learned to accept. We became stronger as individuals and as a family. When limitations are tested and pushed you realize what you are inside. This year has been hard, harder than anyone will ever know or understand, but it has been this year that has shaped us into what we are today and I would never want it any other way.

Thank you for following us on this journey. Your love and support mean the world to us.