Love is a Funny Thing

Love kind of crept up on me. It has been such a journey, learning to love someone. One of the biggest mistakes I made during this adoption was thinking that I would instantly love Everest. That there would be this instant unconditional bond. Given the issues in China, this was certainly not the case. And being home alone after China with a hyped up, over stimulated 4 year old, did not create love. Or so I thought. I don't know when it happened. Maybe when I decided to stop beating myself up over it. Maybe when I decided to breathe a little. Maybe when I decided that I couldn't be everything to everybody all of the time. Regardless, it happened and the little man sleeping down the hall melts my heart. My life revolves around his needs but I also realize that I am not going to break him if I unload the dishwasher, leaving him to play for a little while. And he is realizing that if I walk out of a room, I will be back. It's been a slow process. Knowing what I know now, would I do it again? I think so. I think that it is probably a lot like the pain of going through labor. It hurts like crazy but you'd do it again. Do I want to do it again? That's a question we've been struggling a lot with. I think that adoption is out of the question for us again. Financially it is just not feasible. Do we try the biological option? I don't know, I just don't know. Everest is almost 4 and a half. We are out of the diapers, we are out of the non-stop feedings. We are close to being out of daycare. I just don't know.